Did you hear about the new liberal Episcopal church?
It has six commandments and four suggestions.
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice." And the priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were at confession?"
"Never, Father -- I'm Jewish."
"So why are you telling me?"
"I'm tellin' everybody!"
Three couples--an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple--wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes up to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a light bulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn't help myself and we had sex right there on the floor."
The pastor said, "Well, then you're not welcome in the Baptist church."
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
A woman dies and goes to heaven, and St. Peter takes her on a tour of heaven. They pass a pit where there were people gnashing their teeth and wailing, and the woman says, "Who's down there?"
St. Peter says, "Oh, those are the Catholics who ate meat on Fridays."
They walked a little farther and there was another pit with more groaning and wailing, and she says, "O.K., who's down there?"
St. Peter answers, "Those are the Baptists who went to dances."
And a little farther along, there was another pit and people down there gnashing their teeth and crying and ripping their garments, and she says, "And those people?"
And St. Peter says, "Those are the Episcopalians who ate their salads with their dessert forks."
Why should you always invite TWO Baptists to go fishing with you?
If you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer. Invite two and they won't drink any.
You may have noticed that liturgical practices of the Episcopal and Roman Catholic churches have a lot in common, and their members are often very much alike. Here is one distinction that I have confirmed by a random sampling: Episcopalians get out of the shower to pee.
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